


Want a break from the apathy?

by plasticWingz



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Denial of Feelings, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Multi, Pre-Canon, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:47:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29565627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plasticWingz/pseuds/plasticWingz
Summary: Bojack and then times where the people he knew realised he was maybe a bit touch-starved.
Relationships: BoJack Horseman/Herb Kazzaz, BoJack Horseman/Princess Carolyn
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this stoned im so sorry

It happens with Herb. He's sitting beside him after insisting he watches that movie with him, and his attention is caught between the film and Herb's face. He's full of so much of what he thinks is happiness. Herb is looking at the screen blankly, clearly not having the time of his life watching the movie, but Bojack is just watching his reactions. It might be the couple (two, maybe, or five?) of beers he'd downed before having herb over. 

He's purposefully not making eye contact with Bojack, but he knows he's looking. Its something unexpectedly intimate. He can already hear the metaphorical sirens going off in his head when he looks at Herb and is reminded that he's watching it for him. Why does that make him feel warm? And the longer he stares the more overwhelmed he begins to feel. Something strange that balloons in his chest and expands suddenly. A heart attack? No, he's too young for that. Then herb finally makes eye contact, a silent acknowledgement. 

The feeling in his chest it contentment, but Herb has something a little bit sad in his eyes (bojack recognises it looking in a mirror years later), and he has the sudden urge to be closer. He doesn't know how, so he ribs at herb to see him roll his eyes and turn his head back to the TV. He scoots a little closer, almost subconsciously. But he knows by the raised eyebrow of Herb's side eye that he notices. He doesn't say anything, just faces back to the screen. Bojack doesn't really know what he's doing, so he slides closer, until he can feel the heat radiating off him. A bit closer he can see that Herb's a bit red in the face, eyes staring determinedly at the TV. Bojack himself hasn't looked at it in a while. 

"Herb-," Bojack decides to speak, but it comes out whisper, that turns into a struggling for words. He doesn't know how to express that something about this moment, about him, feels important. That he wants to make it last longer, to stay with him, to have Herb's eyes stay on him. 

Herb had seemed slightly on edge, looking at him from the side of his eye, but he relaxes a bit with Bojack's fumbling. Bojack hears a sigh before he feels herbs thigh resting against his and an arm around his shoulder. Bojack swivels his head from the hand now beside his face to the face now looking at him with a look that says it's expecting disappointment. 

He's so close, Bojack is losing his mind. He can, feel? Herb. His presence is like an aura now around him, and the warmth is so grounding it makes him dizzy. He's not expecting the massive huff he let's out, or the way he slumps into herb. Neither does he, going by his "huh?" and confused look on his face. Bojack isn't immediately mortified, the slight buzz of the alcohol in his system delaying the reaction. But when it catches up he feels his whole body stiffen and he goes to move, but he feels the arm around his shoulder tighten and pull him, down? He's not about to protest because suddenly he's resting his head on his chest and there's a hand in his mane. Herb is a bit stiff with what bojack assumes to be discomfort but he's comfy and the hand in his hair is making him a bit lightheaded. Why do his eyes burn? 

The moment eventually just blurs away into a distant memory, something he didn't think would be repeated. But it is, like a month later. 

Herb, again. They're both a bit drunk, Herb way more wasted than him for once. He's lying spread-eagle, half on the floor and half on the couch. Bojack is on the floor below him, and reaching out enough so that he can feel the warmth of a hand beside him. Herb is going on about something in his stand up tone that bojack knows to tune out when he's this wasted. But then he's suddenly quiet.

"Bojack?" he begins and bojack heart stops. He begins to think he's too sober for the upcoming conversation. 

"Did we... do, that one time? The couch?" Bojack knows hes too sober for this. He knows what he's talking about obviously, but the memory is making him nervous and he pauses to figure out whether to lie or not. 

Apparently he takes too long for wasted herb because he takes the silence as confirmation, and barrels on. 

"Are you alright, man? Because, I don't think, were you?" Borderline unintelligible, but bojacks too preoccupied thinking about his liquor stash to come up with a fast answer. Would knocking himself out be too dramatic? But then he feels the hand beside him shift, when did he let it get that close? And then herbs hand is on top of his, and he feels every nerve in his body focus on that. He slides his hand out from under his and grabs his wrist. 

The sudden action was a bad move, and he hears some kind of "wah!" before he's sliding off the couch slowly but still landing nearly on top of bojack. He jerks in an attempt to move and huffs, going still. Bojack curses him and decides to stand up. He gives herb a hand up, who's wobbling in place. So it's natural to keep holding his hand right? To steady his best friend from falling over and hitting his head on something sharp. Herb just looks up at him like he's squinting through fog and raises his other hand, puts it out palm up like an invitation. Bojack doesn't know what kind but doesn't hesitate putting his hand in herbs. Herb smiles slightly at that.

"It's like we're about to dance, Bo," he says warmly, swaying instead of wobbling now. Bojacks mind stalls for a moment, probably from the nickname. There's silence, before the TV starts playing some music. Bojack whips his head around and sees its a waltz scene in some shitty spy movie. The main character, in a fresh suit, has some disposable love interest's head resting on his shoulder, and they rock together to the music. He looks back to herb to see him also staring at the TV, and then back to him. His stomach swoops when Herb stares at him with half closed eyes, and then motions with his head over the TV. Bojack nods. 

They start swaying to the music, but Herb starts to fall so bojack grabs onto his arm, and herb in the process grabs his waist. They freeze as they gain their balance and look at each other in surprise.

Then they burst into laughter, wheezing and leaning into each other for support. When they lean back they're smiling with tears in their eyes. Bojack sees Herb look at the hand on his arm and is confused, until he's rearranging it, moving it onto his shoulder. Through the motion that swooping feeling hits him in the chest like a punch, and he swears he can taste his heart in his throat. Herb just looks at him like he knows about it and then holds his hand. Holds his hand, which seems important, he'll look into it later. Then, with the hand on his waist guiding him they start rocking back and forward, humming along to the song. They're looking at each other of, a far away look in herbs eyes. Bojack then realises there might be a reason he'd decided to get wasted tonight. Bojack doesn't like it, so he leans in a bit, trying to get some attention back. 

Herb notices, eyes focusing back on Bojack's. "You tryna make a move, Bo," it's asked quietly, with that sad look in his eyes again. It makes bojack think. What is he doing right here, right now? He doesn't know.

"I don't know, I think." He admits, looking away. He hears a humourless chuckle, and can name too many emotions in it. Then suddenly there's no one holding him. Herb is turning around back to the sofa.

"Wait-" he doesn't remember thinking about saying it, but he is. There's even a hand reaching towards Herb, who just hums in question and looks back. He sees the arm and huffs, turning around toward bojack. Bojacks surprises himself with how quickly his mood lightens with Herb's eyes on him again. 

"You are impossible," he says lightly, and somehow it doesn't make Bojack feel like a piece of shit. The way Herb says it, it's him, he's known him too long to not ear the fondness in his voice. 

And finally, bojack has arms around him. Somehow his knees start failing him, and he whips his arms around herb, clinging for dear life. His head is buried in his shoulder and he might be shaking slightly. They're still for a moment, herb thinking maybe? And then there's an hand stroking up and down his back. Bojack is suddenly on fire. Well, his back at least. He then moves back, and laughs when bojack moves with him.

"Cmon bo, I wanna go sleeep," herb drawls, now drawing patterns into his back. "unless you're coming to bed with me, you might wanna-" he's cut off by bojack whipping his head up to look at him. Bojack doesn't even think about it before nodding furiously. Herb laughs again and just moves beside him, keeping his head on his shoulder and an arm around his waist. Bojack might be melting.

They're walking to Bojack's room, which doesn't surprise him. The king sized bed is the comfiest thing in the world, he understands. Maybe not as comfy as Herb's shoulder is right now, but he'll settle. Then Herb is trying to seperate them as he walks to the other side of the bed. Bojack, half present, just clings on tighter. It turns out well in the end, because then he's in bed, face buried in a soft chest with a hand running through his mane.

"We're pro'ly gon' have talk abou'-" is the last thing bojack hears before a soft thump of a head hitting a pillow and snoring. Looking back, he can't remember if they ever talked about it. Thinking about Herb too much is painful these days. Bojack feels himself drifting off with him before he feels a hand snaking around his back and tightening. He's being held. He doesn't feel shocked, just a sense of, right? And he drifts off into sleep.


	2. We're treating a symptom, babe

Then it's with princess Carolyn. Surprisingly it's after they've broken up, which looking back makes a little bit of sense to bojack, but not much. 

They've just hooked up, and Carolyn, who usually has something to do immediately after, is still in bed, looking up at the ceiling with some kind of expression. Bojack is smoking, and also staring into the ceiling, though for fun. He can't figure out what Carolyn's staring at, the ceiling seems to be spinning a bit to him.

Turns out she was thinking, because she turns around to face him and then reaches a hand out to his mane, burying her hand in it. He stiffens and his eyes, though half closed, look at her cautiously. But carolyn moves her hand through the hair and he's melting. Whatever she's got planned starts to become unimportant to him, the little bit of drunk he still is mixing with the warmth and then he's floating, drifting. 

Carolyn is then sidling up beside him, face next to his and staring dead into his eyes. It kind of ruins his nice floaty mood, and its a struggle to acknowledge her with a grunt. 

"Bojack, we're cuddling," she says in that matter of fact way that she seems to say everything. But she doesn't move to do anything, just keeps the hand in his mane. He blames that on why he turns to face away from PC. And on why he doesn't protest when she finally wraps around him, spooning him.

"Ha! Knew you were a little spoon," she proclaims, quietly, but obnoxious enough to make bojack roll his eyes.

"Ugh, fuck does it matter?" he huffs. He feels a nice sense of calm wash over him. It blocks out the dread that comes with the comedown, when he usually has to face reality. And now there's that familiar sadness. This won't be permanent, she'll leave, (because he's a stupid piece of shit that didn't care enough) and it probably won't happen again.

"It doesn't, just nice to know," she sighs, breath puffing out against his neck. He stays silent, and she brings her hand to his hip, and starts drawing little patterns there. He wonders if she's doodling anything specific, it's nothing he can make out anyway. The attention there makes bojack shiver, something he fails to repress, and he swears he can hear Carolyn perk up and start thinking. Then the hand is moving up his side, and then down again? Jesus fuck she's petting him. It makes him stiffen a bit, but carolyn doesn't stop and bojack slowly loosens up, mind becoming foggy.

"Didn't know you were this starved of... well, this," she says, and he can hear the pity in her voice. Bojack knows this conversation can only happen in a time and place like this. The comfort and safety of being in a bed at night, their own little bubble, with the added security of not having to face each other. 

Like an aside, bojack realises, from his vague memories of theatre. A little statement for the audience, and something that'll never be mentioned by the actual characters to each other. He doesn't know what to say, really. He doesn't even know why she's doing this. She broke up with him, didn't she? This seemed like something that couples did, not on and off again exes. But he wasn't going to mention that to her, not wanting this to be gone. 

She doesn't seem to mind his silence, and scoots closer til he's enveloped by her. It's nice, but he feels his eyes burning again. The hand on his hip reaches over and around until Carolyn's arm is around him and pulling him into her. He feels sated, something bone deep that makes him sigh and lean his head back, resting it on her shoulder. He knows he'll hate to think about this in the morning, but right now it's just him and Princess Carolyn. Carolyn, who's bringing her hand up to his eyes, and wiping away the tears. It causes something to shatter in bojack, silently, but carolyn is pressing her mouth to his neck, a barely there kiss, maybe a whisper? He can't really make it out over the shaking he's trying to stop. But she brings her hand back and pulls him impossibly closer, and the way he's being squeezed makes him feel safe. 

She's silent now, probably not wanting to acknowledge how much this is affecting him.Is it for his sake, or hers? Either way it's just another sucker punch to his gut. A reminder that Carolyn doesn't need to figure out why or care, not anymore. She's seen an open wound of his, but she doesn't need to feel guilty about it, while he has to face the fact that she knows. Bojack wonders if he's right about what she's thinking, but he knows that it isn't going to be mentioned in the morning anyway. She was probably just doing this for closure, or maybe she was lonely? He silently hopes that she's lonely more, if it means he can get more of these gentle touches, safe but making him feel like he's about to burst into flames. 

"Night, bojack," she says quietly, and he can feel the arm growing lax around him. The breath he can feel on his nech slowing steadily. It's calming, and it nearly lulls him into sleep. But not fast enough. What is he doing? Letting himself be held so close like this, like it isn't going to disappear, like he deserves something so nice. His heart rate and breath quickens, and he's once again too sober despite him already being drunk and the arm around him feels constricting and she deserves better than the stupid piece of shit she's in bed with right now. He wants to leave, to shuffle a bit until he's out and maybe get a drink out of the bottle he knows is somewhere beside the bed. 

She might be able to hear his thoughts, because then the arm around his waist tightens and her legs tangle into his. It makes him feel worse and better at the same time, and he laughs silently at it, feeling like he's insane with tears streaming down his face. A bone deep satisfaction and maybe fear strike him at the same time. He's almost seeing his reaction from outside his body, the immediate recoil but desperate want jumbling in his brain. With no nearby substance to make it go away, his brain just neatly washes the emotions away, probably locking them away somewhere. Typical, he thinks, as his eyes begin to close, as his vision fades to black.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: dontwannabehere  
> 


End file.
